When I first start with my clients, I'm often asking them: “what do you want? What do you want to create? If you had a magic wand, and could have exactly what you want, what does that world look like? What does your heart want? What are your goals, dreams, aspirations, and passions? Who do you want to be?”
And what I find really interesting is, about 80% of the time, they have no idea how to answer those questions. They've never thought about it. They've never allowed themselves to really dream. They've never asked themselves those questions.
So, I have people coming to me saying: “my life's not working.” “I'm just not feeling great.” “I have this weird health condition that's not getting any better.” “I'm feeling really anxious.” “I'm feeling really depressed.” Yet, when I ask them what they want, they don’t have the answers.
Getting clear on what you do want is how you start to change and heal. Though, actually giving yourself permission to dream can be a really scary concept.
I think one of the reasons it's so scary to dream, aspire and want to move towards big goals, is that we are always told that you can’t have what you want from life. Whether it’s “tall poppy syndrome” or ‘misery loves company’, we are constantly reinforced by those around us that life is shit, everyone’s life is shit, that's just how it is, get used to it
But that’s not my experience.
I’ve been through some really hard times. I have felt like the universe has hated me, for reasons unknown, and it's dealt me some really crappy cards. But I got really determined to not let that be my reality. I got really determined to say, this is really crappy right now, and I'm really struggling, but I know that I can change my life for the better.
In my worst moments, I allowed myself to dream of my perfect life.
And I wish more people would give themselves that permission. I wish more people would say, “I am choosing something better for my life. I am deciding that I can create my own reality.” And I think that's another roadblock; most people don't think that they can create their own reality. Most people aren’t taught to dream, myself included. We don’t even consider the possibility of dreaming.
So, if you're feeling stuck in your life, if you're feeling like things aren't working, if you're feeling like you're in a rut and in a funk, or you’re just anxious, or depressed, or you're just so unmotivated, and just going with the motions-
Have you ever asked yourself: what do you actually want?
Have you ever given yourself permission to think about that?
Have you ever thought that it is possible for you to create what you want?
Have you ever allowed yourself to really dream?
So, start there.
And then ask why?
Why do you want to create those changes?
If you're not asking yourself, what do you want and why do you want it? you're not going to get anywhere.
Sometimes this can be a daunting ask, especially if you’ve never done it before. If so, you can start with: what don't you want?
Once you know what you don’t want, flip it around.
I don't want to feel crappy every day -> I want to feel healthy.
I don't want to feel tired all the time -> I want to feel energetic.
I don't want to feel unfulfilled in my relationship -> I want to feel fulfilled in a passionate relationship.
I don't want to feel bored in my job -> I want a job that I absolutely love.
I don't want to waste hours on social media or Netflix -> I want to have hobbies.
Start with basic things, with those easy wins.
Then it’s time to ask why?
Why do you want those things? Think of the deeper reasons.
Then, once you have that answer, ask again: why do you want that? And then once you get that answer, again: why do you want that? And you keep going at least 10 times, really getting deep, to the core of it.
If you start crying, bingo, you're on the right track. You may not like it, but crying is a really good sign that you're actually getting to the heart of the issue. But this can also be where we start to avoid things. You can feel emotional, and feel worse, when you start to do this work, because it can really highlight how unhappy and off-track you are with your life. And that can be really, really difficult. I know, I’ve done it. It can feel like it’s easier to leave that stone unturned and just keep going and numb-out to reality.
I don't want that for you. I hate seeing people doing that to themselves. We all see so many people in this world that aren’t motivated, that have no passion, no excitement, no joy in their lives, and to me that's such a loss of what this life is all about.
I think missing out on the passion of life is a tragedy.
And let me be clear, there is no shame in not knowing what you want. To not have really dreamed.
And it’s also never too late.
Really, it is never too late.
So,
What do you want that would light your soul on fire?
and
Why?